Alright, step one's in the bag

The first step to tackling my issues is in the bag.

Not sure if you know, America, but I'm in a brand new town with a brand new job and therefore brand new medical insurance.  So my step one was to establish a GP and get a referral to a therapist so I can get through this winter without a breakdown (I got that seasonal affective disorder over in NoCal, with the rain for four months straight).  I got my therapist referral, so when I'm ready I can pick one or two out, try them on and see which one I like.

Therapists are like bras.  Not all of them support you the way you like.  You just have to keep trying them on until you get the right fit.  Until I find that therapist (or bra with perfect underwire) The Doctor will be supporting me.  Doctor Who, that is.  I'm on a little bit of a nerd kick while I'm being a new-to-the-area hermit.  Soon, meaning probably in the Spring, I will branch out a bit more and make friends.  As it stands I'm keeping to myself, visiting the family (they live round here) and focusing on getting my work established.

Step two will be building a foundation of trust with a therapist and addressing my issues one by one.

Step three will be, Christ dammit, to establish an actual relationship with someone.  Sex is fun, but is not inherently part of an intimate relationship.  I tend to pick guys that will never demand a real connection out of me, and I ask myself constantly if that's something I truly and actually want.

So here's my thought -- my folks are very old fashioned and not very communicative.  I ask one about a tough time in life and they say, 'gosh that must have been tough on your mom/dad.'  Like they've never discussed it.  I really don't want that to be me, though I at least understand where my closed-off tendency comes from.  So yeah, I really do want a close and communicative relationship with someone, but first, I guess I have to be actually aware of what I'm feeling.  At the moment, I generally have no idea.

So I'll let you know how the therapist hunt goes, America.  I'm (re)reading a book called Phobias and How to Overcome Them by James Gardner and A. H. Bell.  It helped me feel less crazy during a period of time I was looking for something, anything to grasp onto.  There are accounts in the book of other people going through exactly what I was going through, and how they managed to break free.

Everyone has a story, and this one's mine.  Stay tuned -- next I will be delving into my dreaded past.