Well here's me

Hey all.  So this blog is dedicated to the hows and whys of my day by day battle with agoraphobia.  That's the one where you aren't necessarily afraid of people, but more afraid of being trapped somewhere public with those people and having a panic attack.  My issues stem from feeling trapped.  I haven't had a panic attack in a long time (I'll get to that in another post probably) because I've come to recognize my triggers, can feel myself winding up and can cut it off before I hit the ceiling. So I can function in everyday society almost like a real girl.  Thing is, though, the stress triggers remain and I am tired of always having to convince myself to leave the house, of hardcore willing myself to face the throngs of people that inexplicably appear on the weekends, of repeating the mantra of "you're going to be fine," before I go in to work every morning.  And I AM fine in all of these situations, or more, nothing bad ever happens to me and I get home safely, so why all the stress still?

I can't really figure out how to turn these triggers off, or really where they came from, so I'm going to delve into this with a proper medical professional or two to try to figure out a way to increase my quality of living.  It's a thing I do (see my other blog The Fast, which is over now, for interested parties).  And apparently I really like laying all my revelatory processes out for everyone to see.

Currently, the life I lead is exhausting.  I think I'm about 50 on the inside while the outside is a youthful-looking 30 (ain't THAT a kick in the face).  So nobody even knows.  I'm pretty much flying under the radar.  A good place to be if you're an agoraphobic.

I'm not particularly in tune with what's going on inside my body in terms of emotions -- actually I'm pretty much in the dark about what's going on with anyone's emotions (again, see The Fast) so Lord knows, I need professional help.  Plan is to rip a big hole in my psyche and see what comes spilling out.  So sit back, everyone, and enjoy the carnage.